Sunday, March 19, 2017

A Mess

That weird, hopeless feeling is back. It’s back all over again. I don’t know what happened but this whole weekend has been tough for me. I would start the day in a great mood, incredibly inspired and grateful, and then as the sun set, so did my mood. It may be the fact that my birthday is getting closer. All of sudden, the thought of me turning twenty seven gives me anxiety. I know it may sound silly to some people because twenty seven is still young. I know it is, don’t get me wrong. I also know that a lot of twenty-somethings go through this. But the fact that I understand all this does not make it easier emotionally to go through these moods. It’s just, all of a sudden I feel like my life is slipping away, and I don’t know in which direction to go. Maybe it is due to some recent complications at work, maybe it’s due to the lack of a relationship, maybe it is because I miss my family. Regardless of what it is, it gives me lots and lots of anxiety. Anxiety and hopelessness. 

What brought this on, you may question? Well, it’s silly, but it started with me watching the show Gilmore Girls. For those of you who don’t know it, it is a story of a mother and a daughter, their lives, their struggles, and their close-knit relationship that helps them get through those struggles. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It’s pretty much a story about me and my mom. I was watching the latest series that just came out on Netflix, and something about it made me feel very vulnerable. It’s interesting, in some ways the show made me feel better because it showed a character in her thirties going through what I am going through now so that gave me some comfort that I do have time, but in other ways, it pointed out certain things of my life that are difficult to admit and accept. 

It shows the daughter who is now thirty-two and is struggling with not having her life together. She, a graduate of Yale and a wonderful journalist, cannot find her place in life. She jumps from job to job, her relationships are not working out, she really struggles with the realization that she, an overachiever, a straight-A student, a nice, kind person loved by so many people, does not have her life under control. It is extremely hard for her to accept that as she is used to accomplishing things she takes on. 

It shows the mom, who goes through struggles of her own. She now lives with the man she loves, but there is just something missing. She cannot point out what it is, so she goes away for a bit to think and try to figure out what is causing her distress. And it finally comes to her. She has been strong and holding it together for way too long, and finally she lets herself be weak. 

It shows the grandma who just lost her husband and is trying to learn how to live a completely different life, a life without a man who was by her side for all these years. I think this was the most difficult part about the show, this was the last straw. It all looked too familiar, maybe a bit exaggerated (it is a movie after all), but still very familiar. Me feeling lost and hopeless. My mom having had been strong for so long and finally trying to let herself be vulnerable and allow herself to be loved. My grandma learning to live without the husband she had spent the majority of her life with. And us all learning to live without a man who was the head of the family, the biggest supporter when you least expected it, the strongest person I knew who was taken away from us by a cruel illness. It’s tough, after years and years it’s still very, very tough. 

It's silly that a Netflix show brought out all these emotions, but it did make me a complete mess. It also made me realize that I miss doing the one thing that always used to make me happy, the thing that’s been with me through the good times and the bad, the thing that lets me be my most honest self - writing. I completely abandoned my favorite hobby. I have been jumping from hobby to hobby, trying to figure out what I’m good at, trying to decide what to focus on. I have had various phases - the drawing phase, the painting phase, the guitar phase, the photography phase (which is actually another activity I still love doing, but that’s for a different post…). They all came and went, but writing stuck with me for years, since the day I opened my blog, even way before that actually. Yes, I feel extremely sad right now, but I also feel like I’ve regained a part of me that I lost somewhere in all this chaos that we call life. 


2 comments:

  1. So sorry you are blue. Could it have something to do with your recent trip to Russia and maybe being homesick? Writing is a great way to process the feelings and move toward inner peace.

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    1. I think it's the work situation again. I have been overwhelmed and I think that started to get to me again. But I'll get through it! It's just a phase :)

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