Saturday, January 28, 2017

Raw, Positive Emotions

All of a sudden I am feeling emotional. There are so many things I frequently complain about. Stupid things, things that don't really matter, things that can be pushed back or entirely ignored. I have been focusing on these things, giving in to feeling petty, scared, lost. It's always easy to get sucked into the negativity, start feeling sorry for yourself, and begin running in all directions trying to 'find yourself'. This needs to change. Especially compared to everything I have received and achieved in my life. In this moment, I feel truly blessed. Blessed to live in the city I admire, blessed to have family and friends with whom I can share my life, blessed to have a job, to be able to pursue higher education and to be able to focus on my hobbies. I still don't know exactly 'who I am', but I don't think anyone will argue with me if I say that 'finding yourself' is not about the final destination, it's about the journey itself. Who we are changes every single day: we grow up, we try new things, we learn what we like and what we dislike, we form our opinions, we change our opinions. It's an ever-evolving process, and that's exactly what makes life worth living. And it's these moments - the moments of true, raw, positive emotions - that I would like to capture going forward. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

All Black

Sometimes wearing all black just makes sense. Especially on a dark, rainy day like today.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Cute Messy Hair

You know those times when you pull up your hair into something messy just so it's not in your face and it turn out looking cute? I feel like this is that time - cute, high ponytail.

Also, I got new sunglasses! D&G and they were on a huge sale!

Friday, January 6, 2017

Mustard Colors

My simple and most importantly warm (as it has been freezing in NYC) outfit. 

Thursday, January 5, 2017


Continuing with the whole theme of revisiting memories, today I wanted to talk about another thing I realized - how our dreams have a tendency come true [especially when we want something really, really badly].

As I mentioned in my previous post, there were a few entries in my journals where I specifically expressed what my dreams were at that time - to have friends, to love in the city, and to have a "boss" job. Thinking about these dreams, I realize that all three came true - I have a great circle of friends, I live in NYC, I do pretty much manage a team. What usually throws me off with my dreams is that I am very impatient and I want things "right here, right now." But more and more do I realize that our every dream requires a lot of hard work. First step to achieving a dream is actually having a dream, having that clear idea of what exactly we want. Second step is what it going to make or break that dream for you (that phase again - "make or break" - but we'll return to it later) - don't you think it is silly to just get your wish out into the universe and hope that there are some forces that will make it come true? Nope, that is not how it works. Every dream has to be earned. Whether it's physically taking some steps to make your wish come true (for example, applying for jobs and going on interviews, if you are looking for a new job) or mentally working on some deeper problems to help you achieve your dreams (for example, working on overcoming your fears and insecurities if you are trying to become a leader within your organization), there has to be some payoff for you to be rewarded.

The reason I started this post was actually to talk about one dream of mine in particular - New York City. Today, I opened a couple of my blog posts from the time when I just moved to NYC. The amount of excitement I was experiencing at that time I can still feel when I read those posts. All my thoughts were about "working hard at a Manhattan company, walking through the busy streets of the city every day, exploring all the hidden nooks and corners, checking out various parks and new opening exhibitions, shows, restaurants and clubs, shopping in the best stores, and appreciating everything the city has to offer - in other words, being a true New Yorker at heart." Now it has been four and a half years since I moved to NYC, and I still absolutely love it here!

Examples like this should give us the motivation and strength to move on, to believe that anything is possible, and to know that if we want something bad enough and we work for it, we can definitely achieve it. Of course, there are still things that I wish for that have not come true, but it does not mean that I need to give up, it just means that there is still more work to do to reach those dreams.


Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Happy New Year! Or a Walk Down the Memory Lane

I know it is already the forth day into the New Year, but I realized that I never showed my [crazy] New Year's outfit, and also I have something I would like to write about.

First, a few words about the New Year's celebration. This year I celebrated New Year's at this place in Brooklyn that I love called House of Yes. The party was awesome, we had lots of fun and had a great time. I didn't take any photos, but my friend sent me a couple so I will just attach those for the record. And yes, I did wear a crazy outfit this year.

The main reason for this post, however, resulted from me coming across my old journals yesterday. Well, I didn't exactly come across them, I was just in my room listening to some music on YouTube when one of the songs I used to listen to back in high school came on, and before I knew it I went down the memory lane, listening to song after song from the past, which then lead me to pick up my journals and see what I was going through in the past.

I was up until 1am, but after that little nostalgic endeavor, there are two things that I realized - one, things did not exactly happen as I remember them, and two, I have done (and am still doing) a tremendous job to get myself out of the hole I was once in.

Ok, first things first, my first point about the things not happening exactly the way I remembered. It has now been ten years since my mom and I came to the U.S. Obviously with time we forget things, we make things up, we create certain memories that may not be real. Thinking back to how it all started, I always thought that I came to this country in a poor mental state. I had an eating disorder, that is true; it started back in Russia in 2015. However, at the time I came to the U.S. things actually had already started getting better. After reading my journals I realized that at the time we moved to this country, I was quite a happy kid. I was a little lost and disoriented, that with me moving to a country where I didn't speak the language and did not have any friend, but overall I was happy. I had dreams, I had goals, I was grateful for every little surprise life (or my parents) through my way: my parents buying me my first 'dream' pair of shoes on the first day of schools and then us drinking champagne to celebrate at home; my seventeenth birthday party when I came back from school to a house decorated lovingly by my mom and then we went to Carrabba's where the servers brought me cake with candles and sang "Happy Birthday"; my mom and Eugene's wedding where I was secretly incredibly happy because we finally had a change at a real family, I still called Eugene "dyadya Ghenya"; the first time we went to uncle Serge's salon and he gave me highlights and the first time his daughter Anechka did my professional makeup, both times I came home feeling so beautiful! We were happy with every little detail. Of course, I was also scared and anxious about certain things, like going to school where I didn't know anyone and couldn't speak to anyone, but I stayed optimistic, I pushed through my fears, and I kept moving on.

Things started changing after about a year. I still had no real friends, and the friends that I had at school were a year older than me so they graduated when I started my Senior year of high school. I was alone, I felt lonely, and I started to feel desperate. Having friends was my biggest wish. I just wanted to be a part of a group, I wanted to hang out with people, I wanted them to see what a "fun, cool girl" Olga was. After a while my prayers had been heard and I finally made friends. But then a new fear started - will I be able to keep them? Having been lonely for so long and finally having friends, the idea of losing them was the most terrifying thought at the time. So just like that my fears began. And as they say "trouble comes in threes," on top of my fears to lose friends, I started dealing with stomach issues and social anxiety disorder. Not to go into too much detail, basically these issues continued and grew throughout the rest of my high school life and into my college life. By the time I was in college, I was a complete mess. No one knew, or not that many people knew, but I was in a very dark place.

Anyways, I will not dwell on that, all I want to say is that I have done a great job trying to get myself out of that place. I still struggling with a lot of the same issues, but I am learning how to deal with them. There are also still some things that I still need to work on, like putting myself first, stopping to try to prove myself all the time and just letting myself be just the way I am, letting things/people go, not trying to change myself into someone I am not, etc. But overall looking back, a lot of the things I wished for I have now - I have life-long friends, I am much more outgoing and sociable, I live in the city (although in my journals I wrote about living and working in Philadelphia, but at the time I could not even dream about New York). The only thing that continues to be a 'wish' throughout all these years is a boyfriend, but somehow something is preventing me from having one. Well, one day, when I learn the lesson I should learn (whatever it may be), it'll happen. If anything, through this visit down the memory lane via my journal, I learned a few things, and if I were to give myself an advice based on those things it would be this:

Stop trying to be perfect and stop taking full responsibility for everything that happens in your life and around you. You cannot take on so much and expect to be great at everything. And also, please remember to be patient because things WILL work out the way you want them to, you just need to give it some time.

But the question still remains - did this country make me or did it break me...