Monday, November 21, 2016

Finding New Way

I had an interesting thought on the train to work this morning. I keep having these days/moments where I think about my past and miss certain times of my life, certain places I was in, certain phases I was going through. I keep thinking that back then things were easier, I felt happier, I dealt with issues better. I keep wanting to return to those times, places, and phases. However, this morning I realized that wanting to go back is simply stupid as I was never actually ‘happy’ in those moments. To return to those times would be going back to pretty much the same place I am in right now (minus all the progress that has been done), as the things I am trying to work on right now are the same things I dealt with before. I was reading my old journals the other day and guess what – all the things I was upset about before are still in my life. This is quite scary as some of those journals go back a few years. So this means that for the past few years I have been dealing with all this personal emotional drama and I am still nowhere near finding the solution. I am not saying that I am standing still – of course there was some progress made. I was able to overcome some of my fears, I learned to deal with some of my anxiety, I started finding what I truly like and want in life. However, this constant sadness that keeps returning almost on a daily basis is not something I need to learn to live with; I need to continue looking for ways to make it go away.

So today I realized that instead of wanting to go back to the past, I need to work on creating a new ‘reality’ where I am actually happy. I need to find a place where I am not anxious pretty much 24/7 about the dumb things that do not even matter on the larger scale. I need to shut down that voice that constantly tells me I am doing everything wrong, making me worry about every little details of each day. I need to find the peace and calm inside, and I need to find complete acceptance that I am who I am and I do not need to change. I need to stop looking for self-assurance from the others. These are the things I have never gotten over, that keep ruining my days. How do I work on overcoming them? I don’t know yet. But I do know that I need to find a new way. It has to be something I have not done before, since whatever I have been doing did not really get me anywhere. 

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