I feel like my life is a constant struggle, a constant competition with my own self. I set up unrealistic goals and make up these rules for myself, that are almost impossible to follow, and then when I break those rules, I end up feeling lost, disoriented and empty. I get discouraged to pursue that goal, and I have to start from the beginning, setting up a new goal, creating new rules, trying to follow them.
Why is that? Why do I continue doing this? I am always happy when other people are happy, but it seems like I can never be happy myself. Not that there are no things to make me happy - trust me, there are plenty, but somehow I always pick out the ones I need to worry about, I always focus on my failures, on those impossible rules.
It is tiring. It's like I'm chasing an idea of something, but I don't even know what it is. It also does not help when that idea I'm chasing keeps changing, and every time I make up my mind, my mind starts racing, I start questioning my decision, and then I'm on to a new goal. Has it always been like this or was I better at making goals and sticking with them before? I guess it depends. When it comes to academics and my career path it seems to be easier to set up specific goals and stick to them. However, when it comes to my own self, to the person I am and the person I want to be, I face a dead-end. Who am I? What do I need to focus on to become a better person? What is my style? What are my goals, other than my career goals?
There are two things I have been saying to myself for the longest time: "I just want to be healthy and happy." But what exactly does it mean? What does 'being healthy' mean and what are the specific things that will make me 'happy'? I hope the answer comes soon, until then I will continue wondering and just keep being me, just a Russian girl living in NYC, trying to figure this life out.