Thursday, July 7, 2016


Do you have difficulties with sticking to what makes you happy at the moment? For some reason, I really truly struggle with that. I guess I have a pretty impulsive personality. I get into things/hobbies very quickly, I enjoy them to the fullest, usually getting obsessed with them and ending up overdoing them. As a result, I get either exhausted, sick of them or just simply bored with them. And then I'm back in pursuit of my new occupation. 

I guess there is nothing wrong with trying different things, but when everything you try seems wrong for you, that's a problem. The thing is, there are a lot of things I truly enjoy. Writing, fashion, drawing, photography, playing guitar, working out, etc. I can't say that I am great at any one of these things, and I am having a trouble with accepting that fact. Always the overachiever, I am used to striving to be the best at the things I do. I know I was a good student, I know I am a good employee, but when it comes to my hobbies, I cannot say that about any of them. So a lot of times, before I even try something, I get discouraged because I know I won't be able to be great at it, i.e. I will fail. 

I keep analyzing what is causing it, and I think it is mostly two things. One, I know I will not be a great writer, painter, fitness professional, musician, so this fear of underachieving keeps me unmotivated. And two, I think I am truly afraid of commitment. As crazy as it sounds, somehow the idea of making something a part of my lifestyle scares me. A good example of this would be fitness. I just started consistently working out. I go to the gym pretty much every day during my lunch break. I feel absolutely great after it. I feel healthier and I feel happy, and also I feel a little scared because I 'know' I won't be able to stick with this routine. But why do I feel this way? What is preventing me from making gym a part of my daily routine? We go to work every day, we go to sleep every day, we eat every day, why is it so difficult to add gym to the list of daily activities? Well, somehow the idea of this life-long commitment gives me anxiety. 

The more I thought about it, the more I started wondering - is it that I am afraid of the commitment itself or is it that same fear of failure again? I am thinking it is mostly caused by the latter, plus the fact that I am very impatient. I started consistently working out two weeks ago, I am not seeing results yet (obviously!) and I am already thinking of quitting because "what is the point?" But any normal person would know that things like this take time, sometime a very long time. In these situations, instead of giving up and never having something we want, we have to make an effort to stay consistent and be patient. Things, especially the good things, don't happen over night. It takes time to get to where we want to be, and the most important thing to realize is that the journey is not about the final destination; it is about the journey itself, it is about the process of learning, improving and expanding one's views and abilities. 

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