Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Be Free

Do you ever feel like there is something wrong with you, but it feels right for you? You don't quite know what it is, so you cannot change it, but at the same time you don't really want to change it even if you knew. You are in this strange place where everything is dark but it appeals to you. You are happy and you are grateful but there is something you are constantly aware of and worried about. Is that normal? Or is that worth not being normal for? 

I keep going through the same emotional pattern of being happy, then being afraid to lose what I have, then getting upset about what I don't have or can't get, then realizing that I should just enjoy what I have and work towards something else, then looking for that 'something else' and feeling absolutely lost, then finding it, and being happy all over again. Then the cycle repeats. Is that normal? 

And why do I keep thinking about what is 'normal'? First of all, 'normal' has a lot of faces, it is different for every single person. Second, who needs to be 'normal'? I feel like that is something I have been struggling with my whole life. This feeling of having to conform to certain standards; the feeling of being afraid to think outside the box; the feeling that I want something else, but I don't know what it is and even when I do, it's usually out of reach because it does not fall into 'norm'. 

Well, my birthday is in two weeks and I kept thinking: "What will be my goal for this year?". I have been feeling lost because I don't have anything to work towards. I have been feeling like all road are blocked; I have pushed myself to the limits and now there is nothing left. Now I have my answer. My goal is to get out of the box, break the standards, think and act outside the norm... My goal is to get in touch with my inner self on a different level, to learn what truly makes me happy, and to really understand who I am and what I want... My goal is to embrace the good as well as the bad of my individuality... My goal is to stop being afraid to be free .


  1. It is a great goal for your next year, Olga! One of the most important...

  2. Olga, Being free is a great goal and also a grace. I don't know if you journal, but maybe writing down one "free" thing/moment/feeling you have each day will help build a pattern of freedom (and a record of feeling free for those times when you might doubt). Happy (early) birthday.

    1. Thank you, Ms. Madeline! I think it is a great idea actually! I will try it :)