Monday, January 12, 2015

New Goal

Just another ramble, since it's been a while. 

So here I am – 12 days into the new year, and instead of feeling motivated to work on my goals, I feel a bit lost and disoriented. Why? Because I did not prepare for this year the way I usually do. You see, typically, before the start of a new year, I set distinct goals to work towards once the clock hits 12AM on January 1. This year was started a little differently  I did not take the time to set my priorities straights. I thought I would just wing it; I was in a very good place at the end of 2014 – things at work were going great, my personal life started looking more promising, all holiday parties and celebrations kept me busy from getting upset. I figured I did not need to constrain myself into New Year’s Resolutions and should instead focus on being more spontaneous and confident about what life may bring. Little did I know, spontaneity is not my strong suit, which already shows just 12 days into the new year. My anxiety issues are back, and it is not fun to struggle with your own self at all times. I feel like after all the hard work I put in last year (mostly focusing on self-acceptance, being happy and being thankful), I am back to square one. It seems like the idea of spontaneity awoke my anxiety. I think it comes back when I feel like things are in jeopardy, when I don't have them under control and I am afraid of making the wrong move.

After giving this some thought, I wonder if this is my goal for the year – to work on being more spontaneous and accepting of what comes my way, in spite of the anxiety and stress it may bring. As a person who is used to control every single step of the way (and really driving myself insane my doing so), this will be a tough fight, but it will definitely be well worth it. I would love to be free from constantly being inside my own head, constantly over-analyzing my actions, thinking I do not deliver as much as I should and that I do everything wrong. I thought I was there at the end of 2014, but there must be more doors to be open as something brought me back to a similar place I was at a year ago. Good thing is – now I know that these setbacks come and go, and it’s only a matter of time and effort to make this one disappear. 





2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing, Olga. You remind me of me when I was young and believed that the way others were was superior to the way I was. Being a more spontaneous kind of person, I long wanted to be someone who made a plan and stuck to it. I saw my spontaneity as a lack of commitment or inability to make a plan and stick to it. I envied those people who made plans and then tenaciously held to them. They were the stable ones, in my eyes, the ones who were going to get somewhere because they had plans. Me, I was bouncing from one thing to the next as the spirit moved me. I tried to be more planful and I tried to resist my "just say 'yes'" attitude, but it really did not work well, because that is not who I was. It took me a long time to understand what it meant to "befriend" those parts of myself that I did not like, but at some point I saw the wisdom of it. And once I accepted myself for who I was, I was able to gradually soften some of my edges. I remember planning my first real vacation when I was 35. In January, I put money down on a sailing vacation in August--and then I was anxious about it because it seemed so locked-in, so rigid. In the end, it was a fantastic vacation and it helped me to trust that I can be more intentional about plans. All this is to say, "Embrace who you are and love it." What might feel to you as compulsiveness looks to me more like organized. What might feel like rigidity looks like commitment. Once we stop resisting ourselves, we can let go more easily. A friend has a tagline on his email, "Meet your edge and soften." Edges can be razor sharp (whether they are the edges of rigidity or spontaneity). Seeing them, accepting them, befriending them--all lead to softening.

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  2. Thank you so much for your comment, Ms.Madeline! It's interesting, actually just this morning I had exactly the same thought! Maybe I just need to stop trying to change who I am? I am not spontaneous, it's not good or bad, it's just who I am. If trying to be someone I'm not gives me real physical anxiety, it probably means that it is not natural to me and I should not torture myself by trying to be different. All changes in our lives should occur naturally, if we start forcing something it only adds more stress and makes us disoriented. Thank you very much, you confirmed the answer I received this morning :)

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