Just another ramble, since it's been a while.
So here I am – 12 days into the new year, and instead of feeling motivated to work on my goals, I feel a bit lost and disoriented. Why? Because I did not prepare for this year the way I usually do. You see, typically, before the start of a new year, I set distinct goals to work towards once the clock hits 12AM on January 1. This year was started a little differently – I did not take the time to set my priorities straights. I thought I would just wing it; I was in a very good place at the end of 2014 – things at work were going great, my personal life started looking more promising, all holiday parties and celebrations kept me busy from getting upset. I figured I did not need to constrain myself into New Year’s Resolutions and should instead focus on being more spontaneous and confident about what life may bring. Little did I know, spontaneity is not my strong suit, which already shows just 12 days into the new year. My anxiety issues are back, and it is not fun to struggle with your own self at all times. I feel like after all the hard work I put in last year (mostly focusing on self-acceptance, being happy and being thankful), I am back to square one. It seems like the idea of spontaneity awoke my anxiety. I think it comes back when I feel like things are in jeopardy, when I don't have them under control and I am afraid of making the wrong move.
After giving this some thought, I wonder if this is my goal for the year – to work on being more spontaneous and accepting of what comes my way, in spite of the anxiety and stress it may bring. As a person who is used to control every single step of the way (and really driving myself insane my doing so), this will be a tough fight, but it will definitely be well worth it. I would love to be free from constantly being inside my own head, constantly over-analyzing my actions, thinking I do not deliver as much as I should and that I do everything wrong. I thought I was there at the end of 2014, but there must be more doors to be open as something brought me back to a similar place I was at a year ago. Good thing is – now I know that these setbacks come and go, and it’s only a matter of time and effort to make this one disappear.