Monday, November 21, 2016

Finding New Way

I had an interesting thought on the train to work this morning. I keep having these days/moments where I think about my past and miss certain times of my life, certain places I was in, certain phases I was going through. I keep thinking that back then things were easier, I felt happier, I dealt with issues better. I keep wanting to return to those times, places, and phases. However, this morning I realized that wanting to go back is simply stupid as I was never actually ‘happy’ in those moments. To return to those times would be going back to pretty much the same place I am in right now (minus all the progress that has been done), as the things I am trying to work on right now are the same things I dealt with before. I was reading my old journals the other day and guess what – all the things I was upset about before are still in my life. This is quite scary as some of those journals go back a few years. So this means that for the past few years I have been dealing with all this personal emotional drama and I am still nowhere near finding the solution. I am not saying that I am standing still – of course there was some progress made. I was able to overcome some of my fears, I learned to deal with some of my anxiety, I started finding what I truly like and want in life. However, this constant sadness that keeps returning almost on a daily basis is not something I need to learn to live with; I need to continue looking for ways to make it go away.

So today I realized that instead of wanting to go back to the past, I need to work on creating a new ‘reality’ where I am actually happy. I need to find a place where I am not anxious pretty much 24/7 about the dumb things that do not even matter on the larger scale. I need to shut down that voice that constantly tells me I am doing everything wrong, making me worry about every little details of each day. I need to find the peace and calm inside, and I need to find complete acceptance that I am who I am and I do not need to change. I need to stop looking for self-assurance from the others. These are the things I have never gotten over, that keep ruining my days. How do I work on overcoming them? I don’t know yet. But I do know that I need to find a new way. It has to be something I have not done before, since whatever I have been doing did not really get me anywhere. 

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Plaid Shirts

I'm sure you can tell by now that I absolutely love plaid shirts. I do have them in pretty much every color and I still keep buying them. I don't know why, but to me they are the representation of that cool, carefree American style. 

Saturday, October 29, 2016

Fun Makeup

I finally got a chance to do my makeup and hair to go out. I pretty much never do my makeup, I tend to just do something quick and simple. It is so much fun, though, to play around with some eye shadows and mix some colors. So here is it - some purple, some green, some dark gray. I was, after all, a unicorn for Halloween.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Warm Over Stylish

Just a simple outfit I wore to work the other day. Now that it's getting cold outside I will definitely be wearing more of these comfy outfits. Stylish will unfortunately no longer be the first priority; staying warm will take a more important place.

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Be, Feel, Live

When I began this blog, my goal was to have this as my creative outlet. I remember I was going through some lows (what else is new, right?) and I needed something to keep me distracted from all the uneasiness I was dealing with. Creating this blog was the greatest idea as up to this date it brings me true joy and satisfaction to write here. The most important thing is - I do this completely and entirely for myself. There are times when I feel a bit embarrassed when I realize that some of my friends or people I know may come across this blog and read it (as it does come up in Google if you search my name). But at the end of the day, I really truly don't care who reads it and what they think of it. Yes, this is me, and I talk about a bunch of weird things on here - my mixed up emotions, my lows and my highs, my heartbreaks and my moments of 'enlightenment'; I post bathroom pictures of myself, I share my personal details - the list goes on and on. At the end of the day, what matter to me is that this is the place where I can be my real self. 

I kept thinking about making this blog more of a 'picture perfect' place, where I would talk about only the good things, 'manifesting' all the great things in my life through my positive writing. But that's not who I am. I am not a person who can turn on my optimism. I cannot fake happiness, if I am feeling low. Not that I cannot physically do it - I could if I wanted to; but I don't want to. I like real, raw emotions. I like dealing with things that may not be pleasant at times, but truly getting to the bottom of them. I like analyzing the cause and effect of various events taking place in my life. Some people are able to 'close their eyes' on many things in life and just go with the flow. I like to keep my eyes open, stop and take a moment to reflect and appreciate the moment for what it is. Whether I am happy or sad, on the grand schema of things it does not really matter. What matters is that I am, I feel, I live.