Tuesday, January 27, 2015


I know it has been almost a month since New Year’s celebration, but I just realized that my outfit never made it to my blog. My New Year’s celebration was a little rushed, as I had not decided what I would do until three days before the celebration, when I found myself buying a ticket to a party in one of the city’s clubs. Just like that, the day of the party, I went shopping and came out with three outfit options. Since this was my first New Year’s in New York and since I had discovered my new passion for playing music, I decided to celebrate the New Year rockstar style.

Monday, January 12, 2015

New Goal

Just another ramble, since it's been a while. 

So here I am – 12 days into the new year, and instead of feeling motivated to work on my goals, I feel a bit lost and disoriented. Why? Because I did not prepare for this year the way I usually do. You see, typically, before the start of a new year, I set distinct goals to work towards once the clock hits 12AM on January 1. This year was started a little differently  I did not take the time to set my priorities straights. I thought I would just wing it; I was in a very good place at the end of 2014 – things at work were going great, my personal life started looking more promising, all holiday parties and celebrations kept me busy from getting upset. I figured I did not need to constrain myself into New Year’s Resolutions and should instead focus on being more spontaneous and confident about what life may bring. Little did I know, spontaneity is not my strong suit, which already shows just 12 days into the new year. My anxiety issues are back, and it is not fun to struggle with your own self at all times. I feel like after all the hard work I put in last year (mostly focusing on self-acceptance, being happy and being thankful), I am back to square one. It seems like the idea of spontaneity awoke my anxiety. I think it comes back when I feel like things are in jeopardy, when I don't have them under control and I am afraid of making the wrong move.

After giving this some thought, I wonder if this is my goal for the year – to work on being more spontaneous and accepting of what comes my way, in spite of the anxiety and stress it may bring. As a person who is used to control every single step of the way (and really driving myself insane my doing so), this will be a tough fight, but it will definitely be well worth it. I would love to be free from constantly being inside my own head, constantly over-analyzing my actions, thinking I do not deliver as much as I should and that I do everything wrong. I thought I was there at the end of 2014, but there must be more doors to be open as something brought me back to a similar place I was at a year ago. Good thing is – now I know that these setbacks come and go, and it’s only a matter of time and effort to make this one disappear. 

Friday, January 2, 2015

Black City

I am sure you have heard it before that New Yorkers tend to wear black. I have always been a proponent for the brighter colors. My closet has always been full of various prints and patterns, pastels, and bold colors. When I moved to New York, I knew for sure that I will not abide by this ‘black trend’ and will continue going for brighter options.

As I was getting ready for our Christmas celebration, I picked out a few ‘dressier’ options to wear to the holiday gathering with the family. To my own surprise, all options were in black and dark gray shades. While my closet is still full of lively, bright colors, the population of black and gray colored pieces has definitely grown over the past two and a half years of living in the city. How did this happen? Many people link the tendency to wear black to depression and mourning; I simply think black is a functional color that is perfect for the city life; as an added bonus, it helps hide certain body imperfection and can look quite fabulous if worn right. 

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

New Year

Just like that the year 2014 has come to its end. While I am usually very excited about the arrival of the New Year, this time I am actually getting emotional about it. I am not sure whether it is because it was my year (the year of Horse, according to Chinese horoscope), or because this year has been a truly good year, but it is a little difficult to let this one go.

I entered this year in a very gloomy, depressed and uninspired state of mind. This was the first year I did not make any New Year’s resolutions – I did not have any aspirations or motivation to set any goals for myself. I only had one wish – to start accepting myself and to learn to be happy. Fast forward 365 days, and here I am - much happier, much healthier, much more accepting of myself; therefore, this was probably also the first year where my goal came true. So much has changed – my location, my appearance, my interests, my attitude, and on these last days of the year 2014 I can say that my mission was accomplished. I am happy with who I am, where I am, and I am excited to see what is ahead of me.

I hope everyone has a great New Year’s celebration and enters the New Year 2015 with positive intentions, strong motivation and beautiful dreams, which will definitely come true.

Happy New Year <3

Monday, November 10, 2014

Pursuit of Self-Confidence

Lately, I have been going back and forth on the idea of ‘finding your true self’ and ‘being who you really are’. I keep coming across these beautiful quotes that I post all over Facebook that help me remember to ‘be myself’. But if one does not know who they really are, how is it possible to ‘be themselves’?
The other day, I texted my mom saying “You know, I think I know where all my sadness and confusion come from. Vladik (my best friend back in Russia) and I spoke about it when I went to Russia a few weeks ago. We were talking about being ‘wannabes’ and how that really affects our lives.” We are the people who want to achieve some specific creative dreams – like being a musician, an artist, a writer – but are unable to. Usually this inability to achieve those dreams is caused not by the lack of skills and talents, but by our own fears. I can’t say that I’m a great artist, writer or musician, but if I were to dedicate myself more to any or all of these activities, I could have probably gotten much better, and much closer to my dreams. However, the thoughts of ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I will fail anyway so why even try’, ‘no one will see what I have done (artistically, musically, etc.) anyway, so why does it even matter’ end up shattering those dreams on the very initial stages.

Today I realized something, hence this post as I will want to return to it. I may never be Dave Grohl from Foo Fighter, or Joan Didion or Dali to other people, but I may become those individuals to my own self. When I start believing in what I do and truly enjoying it, without a goal to impress someone, that will be a dream achieved for me. After all, if you are not confident and happy with what you do, how can you expect others to believe in you? I am 100% sure that none of those people sat around waiting for people to tell them they were good at what they did before they became good. No, they believed in themselves, and they made everyone believe that they were indeed ones of the best. Self-confidence has been a big topic for me for a long time, I keep finding ‘the truth’ and then straying away from it as the fears start popping back in. However, the more I work on it, the sooner I will achieve it. I know I am close, and I know I will keep working on it. I am good enough already and I am great at what I do, even if I am the only one who believes it.