Sunday, September 17, 2017

What is Happiness?

What is happiness? I keep looking for things that will ultimately make me happy. Finding myself, sticking to my diet, doing quality work, focusing on my creativity, going out, etc. But the more I focus on one thing, the more the other things on that list get abandoned, and I still end up not being entirely happy. One of my friends once told me that we cannot give our 100% to all the things we are interested in; therefore, we should really focus on one or two, and keep the rest to a minimum. The more I try to do it all, the more I realize that she might have been right. But it is so hard to prioritize, especially when your interests change so frequently. So following this logic, does this mean that essentially I will never be happy? I wouldn't like to think so. 

Today I realized something. As I opened the Photos folder on my laptop, it opened to a photograph that my stepdad took on my birthday, when we all (him, my mom and I) had a celebration in Philadelphia. I looked so happy there! And it hit me - why do I keep looking for happiness when it's right here, right next me? I have wonderful, supporting parents; we are all very independent people trying to focus on our own "crafts," but when we get together, time seems to freeze. Well actually, time seems to fly even faster when we are together, because we always have so much fun we don't even notice how days go by, but our moments together freeze in our memories forever. Together, we don't need to pretend, we don't need to play roles, we don't need to be self-conscious about how we act, what we say and what we feel. We get each other. I think this is happiness - being able to be your own person, but always knowing that you have a place where people just get you, just the way you are. 

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Makeup Experiment

One of my vices is buying loads of makeup and never using it. I pretty much have a Sephora store in my apartment; more than half of the makeup I bought it still unopened. This time I was going to a party and I decided to experiment with something new. I decided to try a very dark lip. I know it's a bit too dark for me and it is very unusual to see me in this style, but I actually really like it! Makeup is fun as it gives you a great way to try various styles.

Friday, September 8, 2017

Unanswered Question

How do you find balance? And more importantly, how do you maintain that balance? I thought I had it figured out, until last night (and this is going to sound very stupid). I came across some old popstar videos (Britney Spears, J-Lo, Shakira, etc.), the videos and song I used to watch and listen to in my teenage years. It was fun at first, to revisit the old memories, to realize how much my music preferences have changed. Then I began getting very sad. All of a sudden I realized just how many years have gone by, and how those years cannot be brought back. I started thinking about how much my life has changed, how much I have changed, and how much I still struggle with the simplest things in life. It threw me off balance. Aren’t we supposed to get more fearless, confident and accepting with age?

I could not pinpoint what exactly it was about those songs that made me experience the emotions I had. I know I am getting older, and to be honest, I like the person I have become and I am grateful with where I am in life. So then what is it? What am I missing? Am I afraid of getting older? Or is it just a normal, nostalgic feeling for the good old times?

I normally come up with answers for my own questions when I write these blog posts (that’s mainly the reason I write them in the first place), but this time, I don’t have an answer, just a lot of mixed-up emotions. Well, hopefully it’ll come to me.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Former You

Do you ever miss the "former you"? It's funny, as a child I was a very shy kid. It was hard for me to socialize and be around people I did not know. I had my few friends with whom I would spend time every once in a while, but the majority of my time was spent by myself, studying or working on my personal projects. I was always able to occupy myself, but I was almost always working on things solo. As much as I wanted to be a social butterfly, I just was not, and I remember it made me very upset as I wanted to be more out there. 

I remember when I was moving to the United States, I had a goal to become a better version of myself, which for me meant being more outgoing and investing into my various interests. Years later, I live in my favorite city, I have friends and acquaintances all over the world, I am getting better at investing into my interests and well-being and I tend to be the one to stay until the end of every party. I can say I have accomplished my original goal to a certain extent, even though I still beat myself up for not being confident or outgoing enough. Of course, I am still working through some things, but in general I am much more outgoing now than I used to be.

Today, I came to work with a strange feeling of missing the days when I was just a quiet kid. Being more outgoing is definitely a plus because it makes it easier for me to experience the various opportunities life throws my way. But it can also be tiring because you have to constantly keep it up. Otherwise once you stop, it's very hard to pick yourself up and get back into the social scene (I guess this mostly applies to people who are not naturally outgoing). In addition, once you start opening up to people, they want to know more and more and before you know it some things that you were so great at keeping a secret start coming out and you start losing your uniqueness and "mysteriousness". You also start having less time to focus on your priorities because you always want to be out and about. 

Just a couple of days ago I was getting upset about not being more confident hanging out with a group of friends. But all these thoughts are making me realize that I am grateful for the person I am today and I should not be so focused on trying to let go of my quieter side. There is nothing wrong with being the quieter one. I think it's time to finally learn to love that former Olga, the shy, quiet, but very determined kid, who is still very much a part of the "new" me (thankfully).